Have you ever lamented to God before?

This past year was mentally tough for me. I was feeling uneasy, unhappy and incomplete most of the times. It was plain hard to feel joy as resentment was taking over me internally. Admittedly, I was struggling with envy. I coveted what others had, and as a result, I constantly felt like what I had was not good enough. When others had great things lined up for them, it was hard for me to be entirely happy for them. My dissatisfaction with lot of things constrained me and my heart could not simply rejoice. 

The practice of showing everything to the world on social media nowadays is becoming almost instinctive, which makes it so easy to feel miserable about our lives. I believe this is because social media is best at only highlighting the best moments of our lives and hiding everything else. All of this showmanship can be deceptive if we aren’t able to discern and realize that life isn’t as perfect as it appears, causing us to be prone to covetousness. Nonetheless, that’s not the root of the problem; instead it is our heart and mindset that need to be fixed.

“Greater Things Are Gonna Happen to You” Pep Talk Is Not the Solution
In dealing with envy, I’ve heard people “encouraging” others or themselves by saying that their time will come and that they will eventually become prosperous and that greater things are ahead in the future. They try to assure others with promises that they will someday get to enjoy whatever it is that they hope for (or even more than that).

However, I believe that this type of “encouragement” does not solve envy because we are simply not in control of the future, so things don’t necessarily go our way. You might not get the scholarship your friend received or the promotion at work that you were waiting for. Placing your trust in the unknown and unpredictable future is an unstable foundation. If things do not go your way, the discontentment and impact is greater.

The ugly truth is that we mask our envy by comforting ourselves with this “encouragement”. So if you ever start using this type of thinking to self-comfort and encourage, it may be setting yourself up for a greater disappointment on uncertain hopes.

Are You Thankful Enough?
“The grass on the other side is always greener.” Ungratefulness is the most major and common reason causing the unease when (we think) we are not doing as well as others. Francis Chan shared in Chapter 10 of Crazy Love about a cheese grater serving its specific function that no other utensils can. It is unique and incomparable with other utensils as each of them is made for different purposes. This illustration reminds me of the Body of Christ – the Church. Everyone has their own part and purpose, and to focus on what others have or can do is wasting the gift and resources that God has given us to use and develop.  (Romans 12:4-5)

Try constantly looking at your life and express gratitude to the Lord, and keep in mind that God makes us unique in our own way. We are a limited edition!

Love of Human Approval
I was browsing on sermons online as I was desperately seeking for help to overcome envy. To my surprise, the first video that came out on top of the search result was “Our Dangerous Love Affair with Human Approval”. Curious about what it had to do with envy, I watched the short video which turned out to be an eye-opener. I had never truly realized that my ambitions to be better (than others) had got something to do with wanting to show the world that I was worthy of praises. However, that kind of drive has no end and will never satisfy us. Worldly approvals don’t last and when they’re done, they’re done. As written in 1 John 2:17, “The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever”, I was reminded that my worldly pursue is one that has no end, and to refocus my eyes to be fixed on Him.

How Much We Love Others Affects Everything

1 Corinthians 13:4 clearly says that love does not envy or boast. The verse challenges us to love others without selfish reasons. I am again reminded of how flawed my love is: if I can’t even simply be happy for others when good things are happening to them, what more can be expected from me?! This is saddening and that is unfortunately how human’s love can be. In contrast, God’s love is perfect that He showed it when we were still sinners (Romans 5:8).

What matters the most is how much we love others. If our love for others is so strong, then we would love them no matter what. Not to mention that one of the Ten Commandments dictates us not to covet, highlighting how serious the issue is, so it is a command that we do not envy.

My struggle with envy has brought me into a very deep self exploration. It was ugly to find out all things bad from the roots of envy, but therapeutic to be aware and cautious of what I was failing at. Then came gratitude that God’s grace is the greatest gift that we have in this life and our lives should revolve around living them the most God-glorifying way. Nowadays, I try to focus on how I could be better in utilizing what God has given me and see the bigger picture where individual gifts complement each other. It was also humbling to know that the only one who can satisfy my soul is Him alone. God is most glorified when we are satisfied in Him ( John Piper). He is enough for us and all-satisfying! 

For some introverts, a church can be a scary place. Most people seem happy and outgoing all the time while for introverts like myself, this can all be a bit overwhelming. Standing up to show that you're a newcomer, mingling with people in the church hall and praying with a stranger are good in essence, but they have always been a little daunting to me.

With how extroversion seems like the favored personality by the society, introverts are prone to lack of self-confidence and doubting themselves. Over the past few years, through some breakdowns, observation and God's gracious guidance, I have learned a few things about my own introversion and how it can actually be a blessing in disguise.

I found myself drawn to those who sit in the corner by themselves, or those who don't speak up as frequently. The fact that they are quiet or introverted lessens the pressure for me to socialize with them and encourages me to make them feel that they belong and are included. From personal experience, I know it means so much to an introvert to know that someone cares, despite their shyness or reserved manner. Thanks to my introversion, I can easily relate and be more sympathetic towards others like me.

I believe we shouldn't be too far off on either side of a spectrum. No matter how exhilarated you feel by being around others, some solitary moments for reflection would in fact do you much good. Reversely, being on your own all the time would not expose you to how you can serve your purpose in your community and is not truly beneficial to you in the long run.

As we are called to make disciples of all nations (Matt 28:19), I see the necessity for introverts to at times, step out of their comfort zones, though not at the expense of losing themselves or unique personalities. I have been learning to force myself out of my little bubble in the times when I see that it brings much help to others. I am practicing and exercising my self-introductions, initiating conversations, and sharing my own story all in the hope of being able to share the Gospel better and to simply love my neighbor. Frankly, it is hard to imagine how to love others if we shut ourselves off from the world. Nonetheless, I stay true to myself and I don't try to be someone I am not. I stretch myself to the limit where fighting my introversion can bring something to the table.

The Great Commission is unfeasible if we don't practice acting out our care for others. I am now learning to go deep, as opposed to wide in forming relationships. One of the things I try to do now is to be vulnerable to others so others can be vulnerable to me as well (for trust and deeper bonds with each other), instead of merely being acquainted and not knowing others to a more personal level.

While I struggle with my social ineptitude, God has taught me to embrace my personality and love my uniqueness that God has created. It is true: God can use all things. He even uses the weak for His glory. My imperfection doesn't seem so bad with God on my side.

"For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions and calamities. For when I am weak, I am made strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:10 (emphasis added)

A humbling idea occurred to me the other day:

Is this costing you more than you bargained for?

Sometimes God humbles us using the things or people we least expect. He can use all things, even crappy movies.