I never thought I’d be writing this blog post. Author of "But He Said He is a Christian: Journal Entries of a Young Christian Woman in an Abusive Relationship", Rebecca (Becca) K. Tan, is a dear friend of mine who went through an abusive relationship with Tony (her first boyfriend) – physically, emotionally and sexually. As heartbreaking as it was for me to read her raw and painful experience, it was more encouraging to learn how she transformed into a stronger and inspiring woman of God through it. 

This story concerns everyone (even those with no experience of abuse) because to a certain extent, we all can relate to feeling utterly weak and heartbroken, keeping sins a secret and struggling with boundaries in dating. More importantly, I hope you can relate to finding comfort in Jesus Christ, no matter how messy you think your life is.

Have a look at my chat with Becca for some insight into her story:
Vidia: The title of the book "But He Said He is a Christian" is really powerful and quite frightening. Was Tony being Christian what "blinded" you from being aware of his manipulations as he did not "practice what he preached"?
Becca: Good question! I think we tend to trust people who are in positions of authority. Not only was Tony a Christian, he was also a leader in his church and a Christian campus ministry. Trusting him was easy and I never suspected him to be potentially abusive. 

Vidia: You confused sanctification with staying faithful by Tony's side and accepted everything about him despite his abuses. How should we discern this better in relationships?
Becca: This is a hard one. I think it needs to start with recognizing that one is being abused. It took me almost a year to realize that Tony was abusing me. You'll learn from my thought patterns and behaviours in the book that it is unfortunately not always clear to tell that someone is abusing you. Things also started clicking for me when realizing more that God hates injustice and the evil that was done to me, which helps me discern my next step about the relationship. This is part of my hope in sharing my experience – that others would know what abuse may look like. 

Vidia: Something remarkable that I noticed is how there is no mention of hate towards Tony in the book. Have you never hated him? How is that possible after what you went through?
Becca: You must have missed the journal entry on August 22, 2015 - haha! Hate for Tony is definitely not a theme I wanted to highlight, nor does it need to be the focus. I felt extremely bitter over him during and after the relationship. However, I was also compassionate towards him because of his heartbreaking past. I didn’t want to hate him because I saw the anguish he was in when he failed. The problem was Tony’s lack of desire to repent. He should have reached out to his brothers and elders in church for help. Instead, he kept justifying his hurt towards me and insisted that I had to help him. More than anything, I hated and still hate the sin that has such a strong hold on him.

Vidia: How has your view of guys been impacted by your relationship with Tony? Are you traumatized to date again?
Becca: After leaving Tony, I noticed that I was afraid of making any new guy friends. I feared that all guys were addicted to porn and had sexual thoughts when looking at me (or any other girl). I was scared that all guys were nice on the outside, but manipulative at the core – talking to me only because they wanted something from me.

One day, a good friend prayed with me about this and reminded me that not all guys are like that. I decided to try believing this even though I felt differently. I started to work on trusting one of my new guy friends, and I am so thankful for the friendship as it allowed me to slowly start trusting guys again. Almost a year later, I started to date again. However, new fears that I didn’t know existed emerged. I felt embarrassed that I jumped whenever a guy would do something small like putting their hand on my shoulder.

I am thankful that God has done a good work in me through the building of trust with my new guy friends so that I do not have many fears in dating today, just a heightened awareness of red flags.

Vidia: How is this book/story relevant for guys?
Becca: This story is relevant for brothers in the Church because it involves them. If someone in the Church is hurting, we should be hurting with them. Through this story, brothers are also able to gain insight of what an abusive dating relationship can look like – a story that not many women can openly share. Brothers are made aware that their sisters in the Church are suffering and feel unheard.

Vidia: Have you completely forgiven him?
Becca: I've accepted that forgiveness is an ongoing process. In the context of encouraging Christians to be like Christ, the apostle Paul says in Colossians 3:13, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” God has commanded His children to forgive. In my situation, the hurts from Tony were many. I first chose to wholly forgive him, but then needed to forgive him for each situation that I remembered. My counsellor guided me to pray and forgive him in my heart every time I thought of the pain he caused. I forgive him, but I won’t forget what he did. I think that’s true grace – knowing that he has hurt me, but still choosing to forgive. I praise God for the strength to do such a supernatural act and for being our perfect example of forgiveness.

Vidia: Have you completely healed?
Becca: I don't believe I will ever be completely healed in this lifetime, but I do thank God for the amount of healing he has already given to me in such a short amount of time and how He is continuing to heal my heart.

Learn more about Becca's story on "But He Said He is a Christian: Journal Entries of a Young Christian Woman in an Abusive Relationship", available electronically or paperback

wherever you are, or follow her on her Instagram or Facebook.

If you’ve been keeping up with the Kardashians or following the pop culture news, you probably have heard about Kanye West’s recent confirmation as a converted Christian. Yes, Kanye West. THE Kanye West, a celebrity who has caused many controversies throughout his career and is often criticized for his misogynistic lyrics and provocative remarks. As unpredictable as he has always been, he has been leading pop-up churches and mega worship sessions, called “Sunday Service” across the US, and recently released an album entitled Jesus is King.

Following his declaration, he has since faced both backlash and support from the public, Christians, and the Christian hip hop community. My thoughts about his recent conversion are mixed. How do we respond to this? Is he a true Christian? Did he really experience a spiritual transformation despite the way he was living his life? Is this all just a publicity stunt or an image-correcting scheme?

My Initial Response

I would be lying if I said I was optimistic when I first read the news about him being born-again. My very first impression was of skepticism and judgment, which I am not proud of. I remember thinking “Yeah, right!”, which was sad as how much it said about me: disbelief in how God CAN work in anyone’s life regardless of how “unworthy” they might seem to us.

I was (and still am) struggling to make sense of the possible goodness (or maybe even greatness!) and potential harm that could come out of this transformation. I can see how someone as famous as Kanye can positively shape our culture if his testimony rings true. But if not, I worry about people misunderstanding Christianity, thinking that you can be a Christian while living a life displeasing to God (more of this excellently elaborated by The Gospel Coalition). This has always been my initial thought towards celebrities with a huge platform, like Kanye West, Justin Bieber, and Selena Gomez; all of whom have previously declared their faith in Jesus.

How My Thoughts Shifted

Thankfully, the Holy Spirit prompted me to reflect on my own flaws and judgmental attitude because I was judging them like I was better than them. I was reminded that there are no big and little sins in God’s eyes. Any kind of iniquity separates us from God (Isaiah 59:2).

I was also reminded of the story of how Paul came to know Christ. Formerly the greatest persecutor of Christians, Paul was probably the last person others suspected to pioneer missions in the history of the early church. He proceeded to become one of the most influential figures in the Bible. This reminder shifted my sight back to God, the One who is not limited to any circumstances and can work in anyone’s life no matter how broken, sinful and horrible they seem. God is omnipotent and it is not at all impossible for Him to change Kanye’s life.

After these realizations, I was rebuked that instead of praying for God to work in and through Kanye, I was mostly skeptical. This is not to say that we shouldn’t be cautious and concerned, or blindly celebrate him as a new Christian role model. I understand there are questions regarding the nature of his Sunday Service. If his testimony is genuine, we would be able to tell by the fruits it will yield, which is to be followed with massive changes in how he lives his life (Matthew 12:33). However, we are not called to judge and look down on someone who is pursuing God, or anyone really (Matthew 7:1-6).

Final Thoughts

The bottom line is that we can never know whether one is truly saved by God, and it is not our place to judge others. We also might never know if this is all a marketing tactic or if he has truly encountered God and is truly following Jesus. All we know is that the Scriptures are full of stories of those who lived sinful lives or made mistakes (the apostle Paul, King David, the thief on the cross and so on) but received God’s abounding grace and were utterly transformed to spread the message of salvation to the world. So, let’s be prayerful and hopeful, instead of skeptical and judgmental, and rejoice that people are hearing the Gospel through Kanye’s testimony and album (Philippians 1:18).

A breakup can be one of the toughest things to endure. The what ifs, could-have-beens, pain, anger, insecurity, confusion and a mixture of emotions that bombard you when you realize that it’s over might leave you wondering if you’ll ever heal completely. It’s also difficult because it takes away part of you: your dreams, hopes and memories. What once was will never be again.

But as hard as a breakup can be, I learned that that there are gifts (yes, you read that right) and lessons to take away from it. There is beauty in brokenness. I am thankful that God has taught me these following things through my own experience, as well as from other sisters in Christ who were able to find hope and comfort in Him from their tough breakups.

God works miraculously, even through pain

Regardless of the reason of your breakup and whether you’re on the receiving end of it, I truly believe that God can work wonders through pain. A friend of mine shared that through her breakup, God showed her she had been idolizing her relationship that she was drawing away from God. Her world was revolving around her boyfriend that she neglected her relationship with God. She thought she was being loving; instead, the motivation was actually self-seeking. Had she not broken up, she would have been completely drowned in the toxic mindset of being defined by relationship status. Through tears and perhaps some melodramatic songs on repeat, God healed her and has brought her to a place where she now understands the meaning of love, which is self-sacrificial and unconditional – just like how Jesus loves. To hear her say that her breakup is one of the most beautiful things she ever received in her life is a major testimony that God really is close to the broken-hearted (Psalm 34:18).

Redirecting your heart

You know how your GPS says “Recalculating…” when you miss a turn, or it loses its internet connection? That was pretty much what happened to me after my breakup. I was quite taken aback with the identity shift when realizing that I was really out of a committed relationship. I felt a bit lost and had to find my way back in my “new identity”. Looking back, I am so thankful that God used my brokenness to redirect me to Him and evaluate whether I had been faithful to Him in every season of life. It was a time when I was reminded that life can give you unpleasant surprises, but one thing remains – we are His children (2 Corinthians 6:18), and at the end of the day, we can rest assured knowing that He is always for us.

Rethinking love

This is a recurring theme that I found when talking with my friends about breakups. What is love? The Bible defines it well in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Love draws the focus away from ourselves. I have been really encouraged to see my friends who genuinely wish their exes the best. This might seem counterintuitive, especially if the reason of the breakup is a broken trust. But as we are commanded to love one another (John 13:34), our exes are definitely included. This might mean forgiving and being respectful of each other or praying for them. 

In this society where it’s hard to embrace singleness, we can be really influenced to think that we are odd or second best just because we are not in a relationship. As there is a time for everything, let’s embrace each stage of life with its own gifts and challenges. Paul shows that we can be content in any situation through Christ (Philippians 4:12). It’s easier said than done, but let’s ask God to fill our hearts with gratitude and peace in all circumstances. 

It seems appropriate to talk about joy after my last post about suffering as we are called to rejoice during our light momentary affliction (2 Corinthians 4:17). It may sound like an odd combination, but I think that's the beauty of Christian faith and joy – it is not dependent on circumstances. Instead, it comes from knowing the sovereignty of God and His unchanging nature. I am sure we all have experienced anger and disappointment at one point in our life because things don't go as planned or desired. Do you see how fragile it is to attempt to find happiness from things that we can't fully control?

Joy is not optional and is a command (Psalm 97:12), but it is for our own good and is not burdensome (1 John 5:3). That's why I think it's important to fight for joy as we go about our life everyday. Having said that, I sometimes find it hard to do that as I struggle with all sorts of distractions and multitasking. So I reached out to some of my friends and asked how they pursue joy in their everyday life. Check them out! I hope you will learn something out of it :)

Valerie T., Life Enthusiast
Singapore 
Every morning, as I pray, I will always ask for the Holy Spirit to help me find wisdom, joy, and peace throughout the day. Even though sometimes it could feel very generic and routine-like, the fact that I have the CHOICE to not think, react or even BE like the world, LIBERATES me. For me, this truth brings joy to-infinity-and-beyond! In the past, I used to approach life in a very serious way. But through time and victories over difficult experiences, I learned how to take life easy and make it as fun as possible for me. Besides, I have a Father in Heaven that likes to joke :D. So having Him in mind all the time, enjoying life with Him, and just talking to Him daily makes me feel ready to face anything, anytime. And, oh! Just the thought that God is super-seriously patient with a person like me, is ridiculous.

Nicolas, Bible Lover

Rootless Alien Resident
I don’t live my life pursuing joy. Looking into this question, the verb I use isn't “to pursue” but “to provide” and the object isn’t “joy” but “space”. I provide space for myself to be alert to God’s presence and work in my life. I provide this space daily, weekly, and every 4 months. Sometimes I need a bigger space and that would be what many people call “sabbatical [year].”

The daily space can be used for prayer, Bible reading, singing, silence, etc. I have a mental “menu book” from which I can easily draw on options of what to do in that available space, just like going to a restaurant and choosing which appetizer, main course, dessert I’d like – or sometimes I’d just go for a simple salad and black coffee while I enjoy the moment. It helps that I don’t have to come up with the menu on the spot, day by day.

The weekly, 4-monthly, and incidental spaces build up on that daily habit – meaning they’d probably be longer and may be pivotal. Rethinking the space itself and revisit the menu, for example, would be some stuff I’d do during one of the trimonthly / incidental spaces.

Joy would then present itself as a gift from God.

Lily Wang, Music Lover
Vancouver, Canada
 I remember reading back when I was in a low point in my life that “the beauty of joy is that it is not dependant upon outside circumstances, but rather from a stable knowledge within”; it does not change based upon what you do, but rather on what He has already done. Whenever I am at a low point, I remind myself that the joy of the Lord is one of the first things the Devil tries to take away from you. It is vital that you hold a reminder of perspective. I find it extremely helpful to constantly remind myself that I have a reason to be joyful simply because of what Jesus has done on the cross. Because of His sacrifice, we are now reconciled with God! There is nothing that deserves more joy than simply remembering you are a child of God. That should bring us infinite joy. The more you bring the perspective out of yourself and to other things that Christ has done, the more reason you have to be joyful. It also helps when I just try to listen to sermons or worships songs in my daily commute or take a walk randomly and explore a bit of the unknown. Small changes in a daily routine also give me small joy 😊

                                                            Novia Lukman, Nature Lover
                                                            Jakarta, Indonesia
It all went back to when I was in Kaohsiung, Taiwan for college when I started becoming fascinated in marveling at the beauty of nature. My university was located on a mountain and next to a sea. Enjoying the sunrise and sunset easily became part of my daily routine. Rainbows are much more visible after the rain and sitting by the sea shore to listen to the sound of waves is a normal pastime activity. With all the challenges I had to face as an international student, I was able to find peace in enjoying the nature. I started falling in love with the creator of it – GOD! This realization reminded me that we are part of His beautiful creation and there is hope in Him, hope that there must be something good despite all our life struggles. More importantly, it is not just some hope; it is hope of an eternal life and God’s unchanging faithfulness! Knowing that there is hope in every season of life and journey changes my perspective of seeing and doing things. This gives me joy, a good feeling that naturally came out of my heart regardless of any circumstances. Finding joy through enjoying God’s creation points everything back to God, the source of joy. So, as for how I find joy in my everyday life, I like to draw myself close to Him through His Words.  

Sebastian Tansil, Chess Fanatic
Ottawa, Canada

To me, joy is knowing at the core of my identity that I'm living out who I am meant to be. In that way, who I am, where I find my value and how I experience joy are very related questions. I do not profess to have my entire life figured out, but my life experiences and convictions teach me that the greatest threat to my joy is when I choose to find my value from false sources. These false sources can take form of appearing successful to others, having a higher income, strong academic performance, physical comfort, and the admiration from friends and society. While those things offer momentary satisfaction, when I have chosen to set my identity on them, I experience the greatest enslavement to fear, competition, anxiety, and a compulsive or restless need to continually chase for more. Indeed, the greatest threat to my joy does not come from loss, pain, and discomfort.

With that, I struggle daily to live in joy. What does that battle for joy look like? Every morning when I get up, a variety of voices and pressures invade my mind. I must choose to begin my day by listening to the voice of God's love for me in prayer. At night, after all the tensions of the day have been revealed to me, I must choose to surrender those things to God in prayer knowing He loves me. Throughout the day, when words and experiences from myself and others tell me that I'm unworthy, I must choose to submit those to the truth of God's love. When faced with discomfort and disappointment, I must choose to turn to that same voice of love with open honesty and with an open heart to receive joy and love from God even when it's hard.

As a Jesus follower, I've come to learn that when I choose to live my identity from the unconditional security that I'm loved by God and that there is nothing I can do to add or subtract to that, I experience GENUINE freedom. With freedom comes joy – joy in God who loves me even in the midst of the suffering of this world. With that, nothing brings me more joy than to extend that same love God has given me to the people around me.

Joy doesn't divide when others experience it; it only multiplies. This past year, I have been able to extend my limited experience and knowledge of God's love to international students on campus. Having strangers become friends and family is a true delight. They maybe have got something small from me, but I know for sure that I've received and learned a lot from them. To give of myself to God's love fully and experience freedom brings me joy. To help others experience that love is also joyful. I thank God for that awesome and wonderful privilege everyday. "So may the [love and joy] of the Lord Christ go with you, wherever He may send you. May He guide you through the wilderness and protect you through the storm. May He bring you home rejoicing at the wonders He has shown you. May He bring you home rejoicing once again into our doors." - Common Prayer

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Some main takeaways from my friends’ approaches to finding joy:

- Set our identity in God because He is the true source of joy!

- We are children of God. What could be more awesome than that?!

- Be intentional in fighting for joy.

As I was writing this post, my bible study group was going over Paul’s letter to the Philippians and I was left in awe of his pure joy despite being in a jail! Man, if I were to be in a jail, I think joyful is the last thing I would feel. But it really shows how his joy came from having his eyes fixed in Christ! Philippians 1:21 (“For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain”) powerfully summarizes how he experiences joy during suffering. It is my prayer that we all get to boldly live for Him and receive the gift of joy! 

I am sure all of us can relate with suffering, whether it’s through physical ailments, financial struggles, broken relationships, death of loved ones - the list goes on. I was particularly stretched to my limits of enduring suffering this year. It was one of the lowest points of my life. Life seemingly had no purpose as I was deeply drowned in the fact that I was suffering so much and there was no way out. But praise God that He is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18) and thanks to Him, I might have a glimpse of understanding on how our suffering is not meaningless in Him.

Stop Searching for the Reason

As part of my defense mechanism for making sense of suffering, I needed to justify why I had to go through so many of life’s struggles and challenges. Why me? Why this and not that? Why God why? I thought if I knew the reason behind all the suffering, it would make sense and make me feel better. It seemed like a natural response when faced with suffering. But it revealed how little faith I had in Him. Why do I need an answer or reason to trust Him after Jesus Himself went through the ultimate suffering? I failed to focus on God’s will, which is what Jesus perfectly exemplified in Gethsemane (Luke 22:42). Francis Chan’s quote from Job 11:7 sums up my first point: “Can you worship a God who isn’t obligated to explain His actions to you?”

I stopped searching for the reason of my struggles, and found myself reminded of completely trusting Him with whatever story He is creating through my life’s journey. (Jeremiah 29:11)

To be Purified as Gold

Suffering is part of refining our character as gold. I heard it a lot and believed it up until I went through it. Then I started doubting how it could possibly be good for me. But I was saved again by God’s unrelenting grace when suffering revealed my sins: how highly I think of myself and think that I don’t deserve all of life’s burdens. I wasn’t walking closely with Him. I wasn’t intimate with Him. Through utter dependence on Him, I was able to personalize the meaning of His character-building process in which He is sanctifying us from within for our own good. (James 1:2-4)

This is Not Our Home

There must be a place without suffering since we all long for that. And suffering is a constant reminder that this world is not our home. God never promised a life of comfort. If we look at the Bible, we see how everyone went through suffering and how it’s not the point. 

The point has always been how God is glorified in our life and that it is His story, not ours.

Paul’s bold statement “For me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21) shows how we ought to fix our eyes on Christ in our life while looking forward to eternal unity with Him after this “short” affliction on earth.

I am thankful that He is a sovereign God, for whatever happens, He is always in control. It is my current journey to really experience His miracle of joy and comfort in the midst of my struggles. I think this song is a really good reflection of what this post is all about. Enjoy! J

It’s interesting how no matter how many times you sing a worship song, sometimes you suddenly find something new about it that you never noticed before.