Q&A with an Abuse Survivor
I never thought I’d be writing this blog post. Author of "But He Said He is a Christian: Journal Entries of a Young Christian Woman in an Abusive Relationship", Rebecca (Becca) K. Tan, is a dear friend of mine who went through an abusive relationship with Tony (her first boyfriend) – physically, emotionally and sexually. As heartbreaking as it was for me to read her raw and painful experience, it was more encouraging to learn how she transformed into a stronger and inspiring woman of God through it.
This story concerns everyone (even those with no experience
of abuse) because to a certain extent, we all can relate to feeling utterly
weak and heartbroken, keeping sins a secret and struggling with boundaries in
dating. More importantly, I hope you can relate to finding comfort in Jesus
Christ, no matter how messy you think your life is.
Have a look at my chat with Becca for some insight into her story:
Vidia: The title of the book "But He Said He is a Christian" is really powerful and quite frightening. Was Tony being Christian what "blinded" you from being aware of his manipulations as he did not "practice what he preached"?
Becca: Good question! I think we tend to trust people who are in positions of authority. Not only was Tony a Christian, he was also a leader in his church and a Christian campus ministry. Trusting him was easy and I never suspected him to be potentially abusive.
Vidia: You confused sanctification with staying faithful by Tony's side and accepted everything about him despite his abuses. How should we discern this better in relationships?
Becca: This is a hard one. I think it needs to start with recognizing that one is being abused. It took me almost a year to realize that Tony was abusing me. You'll learn from my thought patterns and behaviours in the book that it is unfortunately not always clear to tell that someone is abusing you. Things also started clicking for me when realizing more that God hates injustice and the evil that was done to me, which helps me discern my next step about the relationship. This is part of my hope in sharing my experience – that others would know what abuse may look like.
Vidia: Something remarkable that I noticed is how there is no mention of hate towards Tony in the book. Have you never hated him? How is that possible after what you went through?
Becca: You must have missed the journal entry on August 22, 2015 - haha! Hate for Tony is definitely not a theme I wanted to highlight, nor does it need to be the focus. I felt extremely bitter over him during and after the relationship. However, I was also compassionate towards him because of his heartbreaking past. I didn’t want to hate him because I saw the anguish he was in when he failed. The problem was Tony’s lack of desire to repent. He should have reached out to his brothers and elders in church for help. Instead, he kept justifying his hurt towards me and insisted that I had to help him. More than anything, I hated and still hate the sin that has such a strong hold on him.
Vidia: How has your view of guys been impacted by your relationship with Tony? Are you traumatized to date again?
Becca: After leaving Tony, I noticed that I was afraid of making any new guy friends. I feared that all guys were addicted to porn and had sexual thoughts when looking at me (or any other girl). I was scared that all guys were nice on the outside, but manipulative at the core – talking to me only because they wanted something from me.
One day, a good friend prayed with me about this and reminded me that not all guys are like that. I decided to try believing this even though I felt differently. I started to work on trusting one of my new guy friends, and I am so thankful for the friendship as it allowed me to slowly start trusting guys again. Almost a year later, I started to date again. However, new fears that I didn’t know existed emerged. I felt embarrassed that I jumped whenever a guy would do something small like putting their hand on my shoulder.
I am thankful that God has done a good work in me through the building of trust with my new guy friends so that I do not have many fears in dating today, just a heightened awareness of red flags.
Vidia: How is this book/story relevant for guys?
Becca: This story is relevant for brothers in the Church because it involves them. If someone in the Church is hurting, we should be hurting with them. Through this story, brothers are also able to gain insight of what an abusive dating relationship can look like – a story that not many women can openly share. Brothers are made aware that their sisters in the Church are suffering and feel unheard.
Vidia: Have you completely forgiven him?
Becca: I've accepted that forgiveness is an ongoing process. In the context of encouraging Christians to be like Christ, the apostle Paul says in Colossians 3:13, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” God has commanded His children to forgive. In my situation, the hurts from Tony were many. I first chose to wholly forgive him, but then needed to forgive him for each situation that I remembered. My counsellor guided me to pray and forgive him in my heart every time I thought of the pain he caused. I forgive him, but I won’t forget what he did. I think that’s true grace – knowing that he has hurt me, but still choosing to forgive. I praise God for the strength to do such a supernatural act and for being our perfect example of forgiveness.
Vidia: Have you completely healed?
Becca: I don't believe I will ever be completely healed in this lifetime, but I do thank God for the amount of healing he has already given to me in such a short amount of time and how He is continuing to heal my heart.
Learn more about Becca's story on "But He Said He is a Christian: Journal Entries of a Young Christian Woman in an Abusive Relationship", available electronically or paperback
Have a look at my chat with Becca for some insight into her story:
Vidia: The title of the book "But He Said He is a Christian" is really powerful and quite frightening. Was Tony being Christian what "blinded" you from being aware of his manipulations as he did not "practice what he preached"?
Becca: Good question! I think we tend to trust people who are in positions of authority. Not only was Tony a Christian, he was also a leader in his church and a Christian campus ministry. Trusting him was easy and I never suspected him to be potentially abusive.
Vidia: You confused sanctification with staying faithful by Tony's side and accepted everything about him despite his abuses. How should we discern this better in relationships?
Becca: This is a hard one. I think it needs to start with recognizing that one is being abused. It took me almost a year to realize that Tony was abusing me. You'll learn from my thought patterns and behaviours in the book that it is unfortunately not always clear to tell that someone is abusing you. Things also started clicking for me when realizing more that God hates injustice and the evil that was done to me, which helps me discern my next step about the relationship. This is part of my hope in sharing my experience – that others would know what abuse may look like.
Vidia: Something remarkable that I noticed is how there is no mention of hate towards Tony in the book. Have you never hated him? How is that possible after what you went through?
Becca: You must have missed the journal entry on August 22, 2015 - haha! Hate for Tony is definitely not a theme I wanted to highlight, nor does it need to be the focus. I felt extremely bitter over him during and after the relationship. However, I was also compassionate towards him because of his heartbreaking past. I didn’t want to hate him because I saw the anguish he was in when he failed. The problem was Tony’s lack of desire to repent. He should have reached out to his brothers and elders in church for help. Instead, he kept justifying his hurt towards me and insisted that I had to help him. More than anything, I hated and still hate the sin that has such a strong hold on him.
Vidia: How has your view of guys been impacted by your relationship with Tony? Are you traumatized to date again?
Becca: After leaving Tony, I noticed that I was afraid of making any new guy friends. I feared that all guys were addicted to porn and had sexual thoughts when looking at me (or any other girl). I was scared that all guys were nice on the outside, but manipulative at the core – talking to me only because they wanted something from me.
One day, a good friend prayed with me about this and reminded me that not all guys are like that. I decided to try believing this even though I felt differently. I started to work on trusting one of my new guy friends, and I am so thankful for the friendship as it allowed me to slowly start trusting guys again. Almost a year later, I started to date again. However, new fears that I didn’t know existed emerged. I felt embarrassed that I jumped whenever a guy would do something small like putting their hand on my shoulder.
I am thankful that God has done a good work in me through the building of trust with my new guy friends so that I do not have many fears in dating today, just a heightened awareness of red flags.
Vidia: How is this book/story relevant for guys?
Becca: This story is relevant for brothers in the Church because it involves them. If someone in the Church is hurting, we should be hurting with them. Through this story, brothers are also able to gain insight of what an abusive dating relationship can look like – a story that not many women can openly share. Brothers are made aware that their sisters in the Church are suffering and feel unheard.
Vidia: Have you completely forgiven him?
Becca: I've accepted that forgiveness is an ongoing process. In the context of encouraging Christians to be like Christ, the apostle Paul says in Colossians 3:13, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” God has commanded His children to forgive. In my situation, the hurts from Tony were many. I first chose to wholly forgive him, but then needed to forgive him for each situation that I remembered. My counsellor guided me to pray and forgive him in my heart every time I thought of the pain he caused. I forgive him, but I won’t forget what he did. I think that’s true grace – knowing that he has hurt me, but still choosing to forgive. I praise God for the strength to do such a supernatural act and for being our perfect example of forgiveness.
Vidia: Have you completely healed?
Becca: I don't believe I will ever be completely healed in this lifetime, but I do thank God for the amount of healing he has already given to me in such a short amount of time and how He is continuing to heal my heart.
Learn more about Becca's story on "But He Said He is a Christian: Journal Entries of a Young Christian Woman in an Abusive Relationship", available electronically or paperback
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